Tiến sĩ Richard Lederer là một giáo sư ngữ học nổi tiếng, nhờ vào biệt tài nhận ra (rồi ghi chép xuống cẩn thận) những điều vô tình hóa ra nực cười trong tiếng Anh. Sau đó ông viết về chúng trong ba cuốn “best-sellers” mua vui cho thiên hạ, với các tựa đề – nghe sao mà quá “khổ sở” – là Anguished English (1987), Crazy English (1989), và Fractured English (1996). Tôi đã đọc chúng vài lần, mà lần nào cũng không nhịn được cười! Trong số những người ái mộ ông Lederer, một độc giả bên Canada viết cho ông ấy: “Tôi để cuốn Anguished English trên bàn nhỏ đầu giường và đôi khi đọc vài trang trước khi tắt đèn đi ngủ. Nhiều phen giữa đêm thinh lặng, tôi rú lên những trận cười, ồn ào đến độ tôi sợ đã làm phiền những người hàng xóm trong chung cư.” Và sau khi đọc cuốn Fractured English một nhà báo Mỹ tuyên bố xanh rờn: “Richard Lederer nên được coi là một quốc bảo. Chưa có ai khác đã biến tiếng Anh thành một nguồn vui vĩ đại đến thế!” Riêng tôi thì đã cười ra nước mắt khi đọc xong đoạn văn ngây ngô này: “The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. His father was Mr. Shakespeare, and his mother was Mrs. Shakespeare. He wrote during the era in which he lived. Actually, Shakespeare wasn’t written by Shakespeare but by another man named Shakespeare.”

Lý giải qua cái nhìn “méo mó nghề nghiệp” của tôi, những điều nực cười đó thường xảy ra do các nguyên nhân chính sau đây:

Hiện tượng trông gà hóa cáo khiến các cặp chữ như “balcony / baloney”, “excuse / execute”, “defective / detective” chẳng khác gì nhau về hình dạng. Hiện tượng này cũng xảy ra cho người Việt thuở xưa học chữ Hán, khi các cụ phạm lỗi “chữ tác (作) đánh chữ tộ (祚).” 

Thói quen đánh vần theo linh tính (giáo giới Mỹ ngày nay gọi nó là invented spelling) khiến “oxygen” thành “oxigen” và “Don Quixote” thành “Donkey Hote.”

Tật sáng chế ra chữ mới như “administrate” thay cho “menstruate,” “conversate” thay cho “converse.”

Kiến thức mập mờ như khi có người viết “Hydrogin is gin and water” hoặc “Then there was the Victorian Age, when nice ladies were considered virgins.”

Lối viết ngây ngô đến độ hý lộng như trong câu “Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.”

Sự vô tình đặt hai ý tưởng không ăn nhằm gì với nhau, nhưng ngữ cảnh ấy lại sinh ra chuyện nực cười như trong câu viết về thi hào Milton: “John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.” 

Dưới đây tôi mời quý bạn thưởng lãm – rồi cười thỏa thích – các câu văn độc đáo qua thứ tiếng Anh “cười ra nước mắt” do một số dân bản xứ chính cống viết, lựợm lặt từ ba best-sellers nêu trên của Richard Lederer. Xin chỉ cười thôi nhé, và chớ lấy lối viết này làm mẫu để thăng tiến khả năng viết tiếng Anh bình thường.

A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot • A passive verb is when the subject is the sufferer, as in “I am loved” • Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys; the British governor lives there • Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science • Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them • A circle is a figure with no corners and only one side • The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father, but a president isn’t • Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. This story presents a one-to-one situation between a man and a woman. They tell each other how much they are in love in the baloney scene • Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes who wrote “Donkey Hote” • The great author Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.” Then his wife died and he wrote “Paradise Regained” • Meanwhile in Europe, the Enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity • Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees • Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and he died from 1750 to the present • Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large • Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this • Benjamin Franklin got married and discovered electricity. 

My son is under the doctor’s care and must stay home today. Please execute him • Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot • Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished • As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him • I had been driving for about 40 years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born • Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy • I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children I have on half a sheet of paper • I want my money as quick as I can get it. I’ve been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good. 

Some sources said shortly after his death, Chairman Mao had expressed a wish that his body be cremated • The attorney general’s office said yesterday that an autopsy performed on the headless body of a man found in Mason failed to determine the cause of death • Weight Watchers will meet Tuesday at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.